“My made up Anxiety…”

Greetings to all. 🙂

So, I noticed that slowly my blog is becoming my journal to write down my thoughts which I can’t say out loud. This post is also going to be another entry in this ‘journal’ of mine. Anxiety makes you do things that you aren’t really proud of. That’s what happened to me few days back. I got an opportunity and I totally blew it. This opportunity could possibly benefit me a lot in future and initially I was completely ready to avail it but as the day started to pass, my anxiety got the best of me and I backed out. I stopped taking calls from those who were giving me this opportunity to showcase my talent on a national level, I ignored their text messages only because I couldn’t bring myself to actually get on the stage and recite the poems that I was supposed to write. I’m not proud of any of it and the worst thing is that I couldn’t tell them that I just had an anxiety attack and I can’t do what you guys are asking me to do. Rather I finally got back to them and lied to save myself from the embarrassment that I knew I would face once I got on the stage. Still, I thought these people would stop contacting me but no, they kept calling me, asked me to come and texted me. And then I ignored any kind of message from the altogether.

The thing is, people with anxiety are battling with something that no one around them could understand and especially where I live no one even believes that there’s such thing as anxiety. They think that it is okay to be ‘nervous’ or have stage fright. They don’t know that anxiety is way bigger than nervousness and temporary tension. And sometimes it wins, it manages to get the best of us, we let down our own self because of it.

This wasn’t going to be a positive, motivational post. It is simply what I have to fight with every single day of my life and something I can’t talk about with people around me. People who are familiar with anxiety, they tell me that it is only in my head. Then why can’t I get it out of my head? why does my heart always start to beat in an irregular manner when apparently there’s nothing wrong going on? Why sometimes my breathing become shallow? If it is all in my head then why can’t my head listen to me for once and stop doing all these things to me? Because if it were up to me I would rather stay like other people who don’t have to think twice when doing little day to day things while I’m here overthinking everything, from climbing the bus to giving a presentation in the classroom. Because if it were in my head, I would probably be preparing for one of the biggest opportunity of my life rather here writing this post.

I apologize for this long post that you just had to read but I had to get it off of my chest. And thank you if you read it. Please comment down below if you have any advice or suggestions for me.

Until next time.

Sincerely,

A Wanderer’s Soul. ❤

 

“Things I have never talked about…”

Greetings to all. 🙂 Hope everyone is doing well.

I’ve been MIA for the last 2 months on this blog. I have also been inconsistent in posting on my Instagram’s writing account but still, I manage to post there sometimes. I don’t know how to justify not posting anything for past two months except for saying that I was quite busy with university. My 4th semester just ended and it had been quite an exhausting semester – mentally and physically – to say the least. I have never talked about my anxiety on my blog, and I kind of never knew if I would some day but for the past couple of weeks I have been trying to fight this anxiety but I have been failing miserably. The reason why I created this blog was to be myself without having people from my personal life judge me and without giving a care of what people around me think of me. What I am here is not what I’m in real life and I want to keep it this way. This blog is my sanctuary in a way. I know it sounds so weird but when everything in your real life seems “unreal” or “inescapable” you try to find solace in these things. I read as much as I can and I believe one of the best decisions I have made in my life is to read books. There isn’t a day that goes by without me reading anything and this actually calms me down. Letting myself be a part of a world (even though it’s not real) and becoming a part of a character’s life sometimes help me a lot in controlling my anxiety. I thought creating an Instagram account for my writing would also be very good for me (and I’m not complaining about it. I’m glad I made it) but as you start building another life on social media you again have to start acting in a way people expect you to behave. And then when people from your personal life start following you there too, well it just gets way harder in some way to cope with everything.

I’m writing this blog post not for people to read and then follow me instantly but for me so that I can actually get it off of my chest. I have written multiple posts like this now but every time I write one I end up deleting it, not having enough strength to upload it. But now I’m actually allowing myself to tell these things to strangers even though I have never told these things to anyone I know.

Hope I didn’t offend anyone with this post. Thank you for reading. 🙂

 

Sincerely,

A Wanderer’s Soul. ❤

 

“The Eerie Walls”

The monsters inside my closet

Scream and shout to get out

 

The monsters under my bed

Dig their nails to grasp now

 

They all try to creep and crawl

They all try to get heard

 

I shout and yelp and yearn

But all the things are blurred

 

The monsters whisper my name

They laugh in hush voice

 

People say it’s all in my head

But I could feel the chill in my spine

 

The monsters are all over the walls now

They watch me sleep at night

 

I don’t screech anymore nor do I shout

The monsters are all I have now

In this darkened room at night

In this wordless asylum

Surrounding me with charcoal

Choking me in light

The monsters are now my fiends

The monsters are now my assassins..

“Comfort Books…”

 

I’m not going to talk about how books are comforting for reading but rather it is comforting to know that when you have no one, you have still got your books. It is comforting to know that when you have nothing to say, you can still talk via books or about books.

When I sat down to write something for my blog I couldn’t come up with anything to write, actually I did come up with so many things to write. I wrote almost 3 drafts based on various topics but in the middle of writing them I ended up deleting all of them because I just didn’t feel like saying anything, didn’t feel like expressing anything. So I went through my files on a computer and all I could find comforting to talk about or relaxing for my own self-was books. You can talk about so many things if the topic is books without having to fear the feeling of being vulnerable or judged.

I have been quite busy lately with university and my personal life which is why I haven’t been able to write anything or post anything on my blog or Instagram. I did read three books in past week but every time I tried to write anything for either of my social medias, I just couldn’t find the words. Sometimes life gives you so many weird moments that you start to question the reality and in the midst of all this chaos all you can do is open a book and dive into it. That’s what I did. Though I had my exams and this time they were giving me the worst anxiety but I couldn’t bring myself to study or do anything. (SIDE NOTE: Sometimes when I write posts for this blog I get this weird feeling as if this is my personal journal and no one is going to read it so I pour out everything that I feel at the moment)

At this point, I have no idea how to conclude my post. I know everyone knows how important books are and how comforting they’re but no one knows what they are for the other person and maybe this is the reason why I wrote this post.

Feel free to share how you feel regarding books.

Sincerely,

A Bibliophile. ❤

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“Struggles of being a Reviewer”

I don’t solely review books on this blog. But I do sometimes talk about different books and I will continue to talk about the elements of various books. Basically this post contains reasons why I find it difficult to review book(s).

  1. I cannot simply keep track of every single line while reading books and make notes of it. I feel like it would make it hard for me to enjoy the book at its fullest if I start making notes about things I liked or disliked about it.
  2. I believe if I start reviewing books then I would (a) either roast it to a point where people will literally start hating me or (b) praise it to the point where people will literally not read it.
  3. I have no idea how to write a review. Doesn’t mean I can’t talk about it, it is just I find it difficult to follow these ‘rules’ in writing reviews.
  4. I don’t know how to review a book simply without spoiling it. I get overly excited while talking about it that I kind of spill the things which I’m not supposed to.
  5. Whenever I sit to write a review of a book I instantly go blank and forget what I read in the book.
  6. I sometimes lose motivation to write one. For instance I finished reading Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi this morning and I sat down to write a review but I lost motivation even before I started writing it.
  7. I can’t keep track of the quotes in order to use them in my reviews.
  8. I don’t know how to make my reviews look attractive (I know there are some sort of techniques to make your review look good!)
  9. I don’t know when, where or which kind of gifs to use in the reviews.
  10. Lastly, I sometimes cannot seem to force myself to read the books writers want me to read in exchange of a review because even if the book had been in my TBR for so long however if someone tells me to read it then I wouldn’t be able to make up my mind to read it.

So these were the reasons why I find it difficult to review books. I have massive respect for the reviewers and I believe they should be given the credit and respect they deserve. I might try to write reviews including one of Shatter Me since it is my recent read and then I will decide if I want to continue writing it in future or not.

Comment down below if you review books or if you also think that it is difficult to review them.

Until next time.

Sincerely,

A Bibliophile. ❤

“Captions and Clickbaits”

Greetings to all the beautiful souls.

I hope you all are doing perfectly fine – mentally and physically.

So, here is a confession in case no one has noticed yet (because obviously no one ever notices ANYTHING IN THIS BLOG!) *calms down* that I suck at giving titles to posts or if you guys haven’t checked out my Instagram then let me tell you, I suck at giving captions to my pictures. If you don’t want to go and see then take me up on my word. I hardly give any captions to my posts, the reason being, my mind goes blank whenever I try to type something as a caption. I feel like the world’s most awkward person, sitting there, looking at nothingness of my mobile screen but sometimes I do try to give captions but then I end up deleting it all and post my pictures with a heart or two (what else would I do, right?)

And then I go on Youtube and come across all these promising titles, offering us so much but giving us nothing in their videos (No, I’m not going to roast anyone). But here I am, giving the most boring titles to my blog posts and nearly no captions to my Instagram pictures. If only there were a college from where you could major in clickbaits and captions, trust me I would fail in those classes as well but hey at least I would learn at least something out of them, right????

So tell me how do you come up with your titles or captions? Do you feel like sometimes it is difficult to think of captions or titles?

Sincerely,

A Wanderer’s Soul. ❤

“Why I’m A Reader (Book Tag)”

Greetings. 🙂

 I don’t know who created this tag and it is also quite old, I suppose. All I know is some publishing company created it. I found it on booktube & I thought maybe I should post it. Without further ado, let’s get started.

1 Choose one word that describes you as a reader?

I’d say ‘antsy’ I guess. Because no matter what book I’m reading, even if I’m hating it I still get so antsy and get so much into it. I don’t know, it was the first thing that came in my mind.

2.  What’s the very first book you fell in love with?

So, I’m a Pakistani and in Urdu literature we have these short children story books which are so interesting. I don’t see them now a days (I guess they got extinct or something  Idk :/ ) Well kids these days will never know the beauty of those old days. Coming back to the point, those stories were about beasts, mermaids and basically so many mythical creatures and I used to love reading about those books (I suppose I was 7 or 8 when I started reading them). I guess those were the first books I fell in love with.

3. Hardcover books or Paper bag books?

Obviously Hardcover books because hardcover has this ability to make every trashy cover look better in my opinion. But paper bag are easy to handle while reading. But still if I had to choose, I would say hardcover and the funny thing is I don’t own that many hardcovers because they are soooooo expensive in Pakistan.

4. How has reading shaped your identity?

Oh God! I believe I have an identity only because of books. I started looking at things quite differently when I started reading more frequently. I would rather choose books over anything in this world. I have become more reserved when it comes to connecting with people because I trust, respect and love books more than I can trust, respect and love people.

5. What book do you read when you need to be comforted?

Any YA, NA contemporary. Because I can’t read Sci-fi when I’m upset because it takes a lot of energy to comprehend it, linguistically speaking (Yes I do learn something from university). And YA or NAs are always easy to read and they manage to take my mind off of things pretty easily.

6. Who taught you to be a reader? Or did you do it on your own?

I think I have mentioned this in some of my previous posts that my maternal side is quite into literature but I don’t think this was what made me a reader. I figured it out myself that I’m a reader. It took me some time to realize it but I kind of did it on my own. 

7. Describe your dream reading lounge?

A cozy library that I will own someday with snowfall outside and a comfy blanket with all the books I love in the world before my eyes.

8. What book changed the way you act? Or changed the way you see the world?

I believe every single book that I have read has left some impact on me, no matter if I liked it or not but I believe I’m a combination of everything that I have ever read. But if I had to choose I would say The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. This book really taught me and made me realize so many things in life and I guess every historical novel has this quality of changing you completely.

So this was the very first book tag that I have ever done. Yaayy for me! 😀

If you are interested in doing this tag then please do it so I would know why you are a reader. 🙂

Sincerely,

A Bibliophile. ❤