“My made up Anxiety…”

Greetings to all. 🙂

So, I noticed that slowly my blog is becoming my journal to write down my thoughts which I can’t say out loud. This post is also going to be another entry in this ‘journal’ of mine. Anxiety makes you do things that you aren’t really proud of. That’s what happened to me few days back. I got an opportunity and I totally blew it. This opportunity could possibly benefit me a lot in future and initially I was completely ready to avail it but as the day started to pass, my anxiety got the best of me and I backed out. I stopped taking calls from those who were giving me this opportunity to showcase my talent on a national level, I ignored their text messages only because I couldn’t bring myself to actually get on the stage and recite the poems that I was supposed to write. I’m not proud of any of it and the worst thing is that I couldn’t tell them that I just had an anxiety attack and I can’t do what you guys are asking me to do. Rather I finally got back to them and lied to save myself from the embarrassment that I knew I would face once I got on the stage. Still, I thought these people would stop contacting me but no, they kept calling me, asked me to come and texted me. And then I ignored any kind of message from the altogether.

The thing is, people with anxiety are battling with something that no one around them could understand and especially where I live no one even believes that there’s such thing as anxiety. They think that it is okay to be ‘nervous’ or have stage fright. They don’t know that anxiety is way bigger than nervousness and temporary tension. And sometimes it wins, it manages to get the best of us, we let down our own self because of it.

This wasn’t going to be a positive, motivational post. It is simply what I have to fight with every single day of my life and something I can’t talk about with people around me. People who are familiar with anxiety, they tell me that it is only in my head. Then why can’t I get it out of my head? why does my heart always start to beat in an irregular manner when apparently there’s nothing wrong going on? Why sometimes my breathing become shallow? If it is all in my head then why can’t my head listen to me for once and stop doing all these things to me? Because if it were up to me I would rather stay like other people who don’t have to think twice when doing little day to day things while I’m here overthinking everything, from climbing the bus to giving a presentation in the classroom. Because if it were in my head, I would probably be preparing for one of the biggest opportunity of my life rather here writing this post.

I apologize for this long post that you just had to read but I had to get it off of my chest. And thank you if you read it. Please comment down below if you have any advice or suggestions for me.

Until next time.

Sincerely,

A Wanderer’s Soul. ❤

 

“30 Facts about Me”

I just saw that many bloggers have these posts of facts about themselves so I thought I should also make one about me. So here it goes… 🙂

  1. I’m 21 years old and Pakistani Muslim.
  2. I’m doing bachelors in English Language and Literature.
  3. I decided to choose English as my major after reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell.
  4. I get overly obsessed with things easily and then there comes a point where I struggle to stop this obsession but it gets pretty hard for me to stop.
  5. I love winters. I would rather spend a winter’s night with -15 degree Centigrade outside walking than to spend a summer day outside on beach. Also, I feel like I can breathe more easily in winters.
  6. I sometimes get very bad anxiety. Sometimes they are about most random things and I can’t understand why these things are triggering my anxiety.
  7. I love reading conspiracy theories and creepy pasta.
  8. Though I’m pursuing a degree in Literature and Language but I’m passionate about Psychology, Criminology, Sociology and Law (and I read about these subjects excessively on Internet).
  9. I am obsessed with One Direction not because they’re good singers but because I believe they are good people in person (NO I have never met them).
  10. I would rather live in mountains with winters throughout the year than live in a city with 3-4 months of summers.
  11. I have re watched Wizards of Waverly Place for like umpteenth times and I still watch it even though I’m 21 now. Also, one of my favorite sitcoms are Friends and Parks and Recreation.
  12. My favorite genre in books is Young Adult Contemporary.
  13. My favorite writer is Kasie West. I believe she is my spirit animal and if I were a real writer I would have written the same novels as she does and I have read all of her books except Pivot Point.
  14. I think I have conflicting feelings towards everything in my life. For instance, I don’t know if ice cream really tastes that good or is it just what we have always believed.
  15. My favorite Youtubers are Shane Dawson, Miranda Sings, Lilly Singh and LoeyLane.
  16. My favorite Booktubers are Hailey In Bookland and LilyCReads.
  17. As I said earlier I get obsessed or rather addicted to things easily so I don’t think I like anything or anyone but rather I get obsessed with them. I have got mad detective skills (I would rather use this term than call myself a Stalker 😀 ). If I like anything I will read every single article about it and watch every available video about it and I hate this side of mine.
  18. My hands are always too hot no matter what the season is.
  19. I have like the worst skin and I can’t do anything about it because whenever I try to use any product for it I end up getting acne all over my face.
  20. When I was in school I wanted to be a Software Engineer but then I changed my mind.
  21. I hate having small talks with strangers. I guess you can say I’m not a people person.
  22. I don’t know if it was obvious from the previous points but I’m an extremely introverted person. I can happily stay in my room for 12 months straight but obviously I can’t. I hate it when I have to go out for anything and I hate it when I have to interact with anyone.
  23. I hate confrontations.
  24. I’m always in discussion with my own self and weirdly enough those discussions never take place in my native language.
  25. I have very small feet and this is one of the reason why I hate wearing shoes. And I have never worn heels in my life and I cannot wear them either.
  26. I like to think I have Ailurophobia.
  27. I hate and fear change. I hate it when something in my life starts changing.
  28. I have two sisters. One is two years older than me and one is four years younger than me. Many people confuse my little sister and I as twins.
  29. I like eating meat but whenever I eat it I get nausea and this is why I love vegetables and fruits.
  30. Right now I’m embarrassed of the length of this post. 😦

So these were the most unimportant facts about me. Tell me something about you. 🙂

Sincerely,

One of the Blessed Ones. ❤

facts

“The Presumed Definition of Beauty”

Hey beautiful soul. 🙂 

 I had no plan on writing this post but I always think about this ‘Idea’ of beauty that we humans have. I mean, it is the most complicated things, well not only this but every concept that is associated to humans is complicated, I believe. The definition of beauty is quite vague if we think about it. There’s not definite meaning of what really beauty is. Is it abstract? or is it physical? Does it really exist? or is there no existence of it whatsoever..?

We all hold some kind of definition regarding this term – beauty. For some it could be fair skin, almond eyes, long blonde hair, fuller lips and for some it could be light toned skin, big eyes, small lips, pixie haircut and for some it could be brilliant mind, a sense of humour, loyalty etcetera. The point is, every person in this world has their own concept, imagination, visual of what beauty is and in what beauty lies.

I’m going to be honest, before writing this blog I actually went on Google and searched for the definition of beauty. According to Merriam Webster the definition of beauty is “the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit”

Basically it is something that is aesthetic to human mind so when we think about it, beauty doesn’t really have shapes or forms, it doesn’t lie in a person or thing, it doesn’t show a quality or physical trait. All it says is beauty is pleasing to human’s mind or soul. So then why is it that we look for beauty in person’s physical state and try to measure it on some scale provided by media or given by society. When beauty really has different definitions or more specifically no certain definition then on what basis we claim that we don’t find that person beautiful?

My point is, beauty is something that relates to aesthetic and any thing can be pleasurable and happiness to human’s mind. It is not limited to gender, age, race or any physical state. So, we should rather find pleasure in souls rather in shapes.

Hope I didn’t offend anyone. Please share your views, what do you think beauty is?

Sincerely,

One of the Blessed Ones. ❤

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“Rescuing a Damsel in Distress…”

Hey beautiful souls. 🙂

So, I don’t know if people are going to agree with what I’m about to say or they’re going to contradict me for it but I believe there are people out their who kind of already know this thing and somewhat believe in their hearts that it is true but still maybe need someone else to tell them about this thing.

I think one of the problems with some writers either of YA genre, NA genre or generally any genre is that they tend to bring a “saviour” in every novel with social issue that we have. I mean, it is okay if you are trying to make your novel more interesting or trying to get people who are interested in that sort of thing (trust me I’m not saying anything against these writers, I might be the biggest fan of these genres). I’m only saying that there are some social issues which cannot be solved by including a love interest in protagonist’s life.

You cannot just make a life of teen mom by introducing a boyfriend in her life and try to make it seem like everything is going to get perfect, nor you can show that a domestic violence can lessen its effects on some children just because the guy next door has charming smile and he promises to take her somewhere magical.

There are people out there dealing with some issues like bullying, domestic abuse, anxiety, and all they have got to look for solutions regarding their problems is these books. They start looking into them and think of it as a possibility that some other human being will come right into their lives and fix everything.

You can’t argue with saying that these people should know that these stories are fictional because we all know that when a person is desperate s/he looks for any sign that could possibly come in front of him/her even if it is in some fictional story. When people read these books they start to wait for their own “hero”. It could be a cute guy next door or a new boy in school or they might wait for a total stranger to meet them in a book store. But it is what set them to expect that they are only going to be saved by a boy or a girl. People in those times need to know that you don’t need a boy to save you because nothing gets perfect as time changes, things only get better. You can only make things better and even if you can’t, don’t relay on a prince charming to come rescue you because sometimes the people who are really close to us can also save us, they can be our parents or siblings but they also love you and will do anything to make you happy, just like you will do anything to make you happy.

I apologize to anyone who thinks that what I said is upsetting or untrue. I guess everyone needs to know that they don’t need another human being to save them rather they need to know that every one of us possesses so much power and strength within ourself that we are completely capable of doing anything on our own. .

Sincerely,

A Soul Residing In Wonderland. ❤

alice