“My made up Anxiety…”

Greetings to all. 🙂

So, I noticed that slowly my blog is becoming my journal to write down my thoughts which I can’t say out loud. This post is also going to be another entry in this ‘journal’ of mine. Anxiety makes you do things that you aren’t really proud of. That’s what happened to me few days back. I got an opportunity and I totally blew it. This opportunity could possibly benefit me a lot in future and initially I was completely ready to avail it but as the day started to pass, my anxiety got the best of me and I backed out. I stopped taking calls from those who were giving me this opportunity to showcase my talent on a national level, I ignored their text messages only because I couldn’t bring myself to actually get on the stage and recite the poems that I was supposed to write. I’m not proud of any of it and the worst thing is that I couldn’t tell them that I just had an anxiety attack and I can’t do what you guys are asking me to do. Rather I finally got back to them and lied to save myself from the embarrassment that I knew I would face once I got on the stage. Still, I thought these people would stop contacting me but no, they kept calling me, asked me to come and texted me. And then I ignored any kind of message from the altogether.

The thing is, people with anxiety are battling with something that no one around them could understand and especially where I live no one even believes that there’s such thing as anxiety. They think that it is okay to be ‘nervous’ or have stage fright. They don’t know that anxiety is way bigger than nervousness and temporary tension. And sometimes it wins, it manages to get the best of us, we let down our own self because of it.

This wasn’t going to be a positive, motivational post. It is simply what I have to fight with every single day of my life and something I can’t talk about with people around me. People who are familiar with anxiety, they tell me that it is only in my head. Then why can’t I get it out of my head? why does my heart always start to beat in an irregular manner when apparently there’s nothing wrong going on? Why sometimes my breathing become shallow? If it is all in my head then why can’t my head listen to me for once and stop doing all these things to me? Because if it were up to me I would rather stay like other people who don’t have to think twice when doing little day to day things while I’m here overthinking everything, from climbing the bus to giving a presentation in the classroom. Because if it were in my head, I would probably be preparing for one of the biggest opportunity of my life rather here writing this post.

I apologize for this long post that you just had to read but I had to get it off of my chest. And thank you if you read it. Please comment down below if you have any advice or suggestions for me.

Until next time.

Sincerely,

A Wanderer’s Soul. ❤

 

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“Things I have never talked about…”

Greetings to all. 🙂 Hope everyone is doing well.

I’ve been MIA for the last 2 months on this blog. I have also been inconsistent in posting on my Instagram’s writing account but still, I manage to post there sometimes. I don’t know how to justify not posting anything for past two months except for saying that I was quite busy with university. My 4th semester just ended and it had been quite an exhausting semester – mentally and physically – to say the least. I have never talked about my anxiety on my blog, and I kind of never knew if I would some day but for the past couple of weeks I have been trying to fight this anxiety but I have been failing miserably. The reason why I created this blog was to be myself without having people from my personal life judge me and without giving a care of what people around me think of me. What I am here is not what I’m in real life and I want to keep it this way. This blog is my sanctuary in a way. I know it sounds so weird but when everything in your real life seems “unreal” or “inescapable” you try to find solace in these things. I read as much as I can and I believe one of the best decisions I have made in my life is to read books. There isn’t a day that goes by without me reading anything and this actually calms me down. Letting myself be a part of a world (even though it’s not real) and becoming a part of a character’s life sometimes help me a lot in controlling my anxiety. I thought creating an Instagram account for my writing would also be very good for me (and I’m not complaining about it. I’m glad I made it) but as you start building another life on social media you again have to start acting in a way people expect you to behave. And then when people from your personal life start following you there too, well it just gets way harder in some way to cope with everything.

I’m writing this blog post not for people to read and then follow me instantly but for me so that I can actually get it off of my chest. I have written multiple posts like this now but every time I write one I end up deleting it, not having enough strength to upload it. But now I’m actually allowing myself to tell these things to strangers even though I have never told these things to anyone I know.

Hope I didn’t offend anyone with this post. Thank you for reading. 🙂

 

Sincerely,

A Wanderer’s Soul. ❤

 

“The Eerie Walls”

The monsters inside my closet

Scream and shout to get out

 

The monsters under my bed

Dig their nails to grasp now

 

They all try to creep and crawl

They all try to get heard

 

I shout and yelp and yearn

But all the things are blurred

 

The monsters whisper my name

They laugh in hush voice

 

People say it’s all in my head

But I could feel the chill in my spine

 

The monsters are all over the walls now

They watch me sleep at night

 

I don’t screech anymore nor do I shout

The monsters are all I have now

In this darkened room at night

In this wordless asylum

Surrounding me with charcoal

Choking me in light

The monsters are now my fiends

The monsters are now my assassins..

“Comfort Books…”

 

I’m not going to talk about how books are comforting for reading but rather it is comforting to know that when you have no one, you have still got your books. It is comforting to know that when you have nothing to say, you can still talk via books or about books.

When I sat down to write something for my blog I couldn’t come up with anything to write, actually I did come up with so many things to write. I wrote almost 3 drafts based on various topics but in the middle of writing them I ended up deleting all of them because I just didn’t feel like saying anything, didn’t feel like expressing anything. So I went through my files on a computer and all I could find comforting to talk about or relaxing for my own self-was books. You can talk about so many things if the topic is books without having to fear the feeling of being vulnerable or judged.

I have been quite busy lately with university and my personal life which is why I haven’t been able to write anything or post anything on my blog or Instagram. I did read three books in past week but every time I tried to write anything for either of my social medias, I just couldn’t find the words. Sometimes life gives you so many weird moments that you start to question the reality and in the midst of all this chaos all you can do is open a book and dive into it. That’s what I did. Though I had my exams and this time they were giving me the worst anxiety but I couldn’t bring myself to study or do anything. (SIDE NOTE: Sometimes when I write posts for this blog I get this weird feeling as if this is my personal journal and no one is going to read it so I pour out everything that I feel at the moment)

At this point, I have no idea how to conclude my post. I know everyone knows how important books are and how comforting they’re but no one knows what they are for the other person and maybe this is the reason why I wrote this post.

Feel free to share how you feel regarding books.

Sincerely,

A Bibliophile. ❤

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