“Not Really Existing…”

I used to think that friends are the most important people in your life and you are lucky only because of the huge number of friends you have. I couldn’t be any more wrong. A number of friends can never determine how lucky you are in fact if you have only one friend in your life and that friend is loyal, sincere, supportive, reliable to you then you don’t need to have any more friends. I used to assume that I have so many best friends and all of them love me (as they always claimed). The thing is, you start to believe whatever people say to you only because you want yourself to be recognized as a mere existence and that’s what I did. I had always felt and I still feel that I don’t exist for people. I don’t know why but sometimes it feels like people see me as someone who exists only when they need to gossip about someone. Other than that I’m nothing and no one to them and this is the worst state of non-existence anyone can ever experience. So consequently I started to feel like ‘wow I do exist for someone, let me just give them every thing and all kind of happiness and let me show them how caring and good of a person I can be’.  My friends would play with my insecurities and I brushed it off by saying to myself ‘hey, best friends do that this is why they are best friends, they can joke about everything’. They would disrespect me and I would think that friends are supposed to love you not respect you. Let me tell you, there’s nothing in this world bigger and more important than respect. If someone is not giving you respect then they don’t love you. You should not stay with a person only because they supposedly love you.

Respect should be the most important and sometimes the only factor in all kinds of relationships. It took me so long to realize it and then imply it but I finally did. I distance myself from my ‘friends’ and chose respect over ‘love’. I’m not here to vent and rant about my problems but I want you guys to understand that if you don’t respect someone then don’t pretend that you love them and if someone is not giving you the respect that you deserve then you don’t have to stick with them. If you see someone who thinks that they don’t mean anything to this world then show them how important and how beautiful they are. Everyone needs to know that they exist for the other person. Showing someone that they exist for you is the most underrated thing in this world. So let’s show everyone how important they are. Make it overrated, because some things are better being overrated than left being unnoticed.

 

Advertisements

“My made up Anxiety…”

Greetings to all. 🙂

So, I noticed that slowly my blog is becoming my journal to write down my thoughts which I can’t say out loud. This post is also going to be another entry in this ‘journal’ of mine. Anxiety makes you do things that you aren’t really proud of. That’s what happened to me few days back. I got an opportunity and I totally blew it. This opportunity could possibly benefit me a lot in future and initially I was completely ready to avail it but as the day started to pass, my anxiety got the best of me and I backed out. I stopped taking calls from those who were giving me this opportunity to showcase my talent on a national level, I ignored their text messages only because I couldn’t bring myself to actually get on the stage and recite the poems that I was supposed to write. I’m not proud of any of it and the worst thing is that I couldn’t tell them that I just had an anxiety attack and I can’t do what you guys are asking me to do. Rather I finally got back to them and lied to save myself from the embarrassment that I knew I would face once I got on the stage. Still, I thought these people would stop contacting me but no, they kept calling me, asked me to come and texted me. And then I ignored any kind of message from the altogether.

The thing is, people with anxiety are battling with something that no one around them could understand and especially where I live no one even believes that there’s such thing as anxiety. They think that it is okay to be ‘nervous’ or have stage fright. They don’t know that anxiety is way bigger than nervousness and temporary tension. And sometimes it wins, it manages to get the best of us, we let down our own self because of it.

This wasn’t going to be a positive, motivational post. It is simply what I have to fight with every single day of my life and something I can’t talk about with people around me. People who are familiar with anxiety, they tell me that it is only in my head. Then why can’t I get it out of my head? why does my heart always start to beat in an irregular manner when apparently there’s nothing wrong going on? Why sometimes my breathing become shallow? If it is all in my head then why can’t my head listen to me for once and stop doing all these things to me? Because if it were up to me I would rather stay like other people who don’t have to think twice when doing little day to day things while I’m here overthinking everything, from climbing the bus to giving a presentation in the classroom. Because if it were in my head, I would probably be preparing for one of the biggest opportunity of my life rather here writing this post.

I apologize for this long post that you just had to read but I had to get it off of my chest. And thank you if you read it. Please comment down below if you have any advice or suggestions for me.

Until next time.

Sincerely,

A Wanderer’s Soul. ❤

 

“Things I have never talked about…”

Greetings to all. 🙂 Hope everyone is doing well.

I’ve been MIA for the last 2 months on this blog. I have also been inconsistent in posting on my Instagram’s writing account but still, I manage to post there sometimes. I don’t know how to justify not posting anything for past two months except for saying that I was quite busy with university. My 4th semester just ended and it had been quite an exhausting semester – mentally and physically – to say the least. I have never talked about my anxiety on my blog, and I kind of never knew if I would some day but for the past couple of weeks I have been trying to fight this anxiety but I have been failing miserably. The reason why I created this blog was to be myself without having people from my personal life judge me and without giving a care of what people around me think of me. What I am here is not what I’m in real life and I want to keep it this way. This blog is my sanctuary in a way. I know it sounds so weird but when everything in your real life seems “unreal” or “inescapable” you try to find solace in these things. I read as much as I can and I believe one of the best decisions I have made in my life is to read books. There isn’t a day that goes by without me reading anything and this actually calms me down. Letting myself be a part of a world (even though it’s not real) and becoming a part of a character’s life sometimes help me a lot in controlling my anxiety. I thought creating an Instagram account for my writing would also be very good for me (and I’m not complaining about it. I’m glad I made it) but as you start building another life on social media you again have to start acting in a way people expect you to behave. And then when people from your personal life start following you there too, well it just gets way harder in some way to cope with everything.

I’m writing this blog post not for people to read and then follow me instantly but for me so that I can actually get it off of my chest. I have written multiple posts like this now but every time I write one I end up deleting it, not having enough strength to upload it. But now I’m actually allowing myself to tell these things to strangers even though I have never told these things to anyone I know.

Hope I didn’t offend anyone with this post. Thank you for reading. 🙂

 

Sincerely,

A Wanderer’s Soul. ❤

 

“30 Facts about Me”

I just saw that many bloggers have these posts of facts about themselves so I thought I should also make one about me. So here it goes… 🙂

  1. I’m 21 years old and Pakistani Muslim.
  2. I’m doing bachelors in English Language and Literature.
  3. I decided to choose English as my major after reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell.
  4. I get overly obsessed with things easily and then there comes a point where I struggle to stop this obsession but it gets pretty hard for me to stop.
  5. I love winters. I would rather spend a winter’s night with -15 degree Centigrade outside walking than to spend a summer day outside on beach. Also, I feel like I can breathe more easily in winters.
  6. I sometimes get very bad anxiety. Sometimes they are about most random things and I can’t understand why these things are triggering my anxiety.
  7. I love reading conspiracy theories and creepy pasta.
  8. Though I’m pursuing a degree in Literature and Language but I’m passionate about Psychology, Criminology, Sociology and Law (and I read about these subjects excessively on Internet).
  9. I am obsessed with One Direction not because they’re good singers but because I believe they are good people in person (NO I have never met them).
  10. I would rather live in mountains with winters throughout the year than live in a city with 3-4 months of summers.
  11. I have re watched Wizards of Waverly Place for like umpteenth times and I still watch it even though I’m 21 now. Also, one of my favorite sitcoms are Friends and Parks and Recreation.
  12. My favorite genre in books is Young Adult Contemporary.
  13. My favorite writer is Kasie West. I believe she is my spirit animal and if I were a real writer I would have written the same novels as she does and I have read all of her books except Pivot Point.
  14. I think I have conflicting feelings towards everything in my life. For instance, I don’t know if ice cream really tastes that good or is it just what we have always believed.
  15. My favorite Youtubers are Shane Dawson, Miranda Sings, Lilly Singh and LoeyLane.
  16. My favorite Booktubers are Hailey In Bookland and LilyCReads.
  17. As I said earlier I get obsessed or rather addicted to things easily so I don’t think I like anything or anyone but rather I get obsessed with them. I have got mad detective skills (I would rather use this term than call myself a Stalker 😀 ). If I like anything I will read every single article about it and watch every available video about it and I hate this side of mine.
  18. My hands are always too hot no matter what the season is.
  19. I have like the worst skin and I can’t do anything about it because whenever I try to use any product for it I end up getting acne all over my face.
  20. When I was in school I wanted to be a Software Engineer but then I changed my mind.
  21. I hate having small talks with strangers. I guess you can say I’m not a people person.
  22. I don’t know if it was obvious from the previous points but I’m an extremely introverted person. I can happily stay in my room for 12 months straight but obviously I can’t. I hate it when I have to go out for anything and I hate it when I have to interact with anyone.
  23. I hate confrontations.
  24. I’m always in discussion with my own self and weirdly enough those discussions never take place in my native language.
  25. I have very small feet and this is one of the reason why I hate wearing shoes. And I have never worn heels in my life and I cannot wear them either.
  26. I like to think I have Ailurophobia.
  27. I hate and fear change. I hate it when something in my life starts changing.
  28. I have two sisters. One is two years older than me and one is four years younger than me. Many people confuse my little sister and I as twins.
  29. I like eating meat but whenever I eat it I get nausea and this is why I love vegetables and fruits.
  30. Right now I’m embarrassed of the length of this post. 😦

So these were the most unimportant facts about me. Tell me something about you. 🙂

Sincerely,

One of the Blessed Ones. ❤

facts