“Not Really Existing…”

I used to think that friends are the most important people in your life and you are lucky only because of the huge number of friends you have. I couldn’t be any more wrong. A number of friends can never determine how lucky you are in fact if you have only one friend in your life and that friend is loyal, sincere, supportive, reliable to you then you don’t need to have any more friends. I used to assume that I have so many best friends and all of them love me (as they always claimed). The thing is, you start to believe whatever people say to you only because you want yourself to be recognized as a mere existence and that’s what I did. I had always felt and I still feel that I don’t exist for people. I don’t know why but sometimes it feels like people see me as someone who exists only when they need to gossip about someone. Other than that I’m nothing and no one to them and this is the worst state of non-existence anyone can ever experience. So consequently I started to feel like ‘wow I do exist for someone, let me just give them every thing and all kind of happiness and let me show them how caring and good of a person I can be’.  My friends would play with my insecurities and I brushed it off by saying to myself ‘hey, best friends do that this is why they are best friends, they can joke about everything’. They would disrespect me and I would think that friends are supposed to love you not respect you. Let me tell you, there’s nothing in this world bigger and more important than respect. If someone is not giving you respect then they don’t love you. You should not stay with a person only because they supposedly love you.

Respect should be the most important and sometimes the only factor in all kinds of relationships. It took me so long to realize it and then imply it but I finally did. I distance myself from my ‘friends’ and chose respect over ‘love’. I’m not here to vent and rant about my problems but I want you guys to understand that if you don’t respect someone then don’t pretend that you love them and if someone is not giving you the respect that you deserve then you don’t have to stick with them. If you see someone who thinks that they don’t mean anything to this world then show them how important and how beautiful they are. Everyone needs to know that they exist for the other person. Showing someone that they exist for you is the most underrated thing in this world. So let’s show everyone how important they are. Make it overrated, because some things are better being overrated than left being unnoticed.

 

“My made up Anxiety…”

Greetings to all. 🙂

So, I noticed that slowly my blog is becoming my journal to write down my thoughts which I can’t say out loud. This post is also going to be another entry in this ‘journal’ of mine. Anxiety makes you do things that you aren’t really proud of. That’s what happened to me few days back. I got an opportunity and I totally blew it. This opportunity could possibly benefit me a lot in future and initially I was completely ready to avail it but as the day started to pass, my anxiety got the best of me and I backed out. I stopped taking calls from those who were giving me this opportunity to showcase my talent on a national level, I ignored their text messages only because I couldn’t bring myself to actually get on the stage and recite the poems that I was supposed to write. I’m not proud of any of it and the worst thing is that I couldn’t tell them that I just had an anxiety attack and I can’t do what you guys are asking me to do. Rather I finally got back to them and lied to save myself from the embarrassment that I knew I would face once I got on the stage. Still, I thought these people would stop contacting me but no, they kept calling me, asked me to come and texted me. And then I ignored any kind of message from the altogether.

The thing is, people with anxiety are battling with something that no one around them could understand and especially where I live no one even believes that there’s such thing as anxiety. They think that it is okay to be ‘nervous’ or have stage fright. They don’t know that anxiety is way bigger than nervousness and temporary tension. And sometimes it wins, it manages to get the best of us, we let down our own self because of it.

This wasn’t going to be a positive, motivational post. It is simply what I have to fight with every single day of my life and something I can’t talk about with people around me. People who are familiar with anxiety, they tell me that it is only in my head. Then why can’t I get it out of my head? why does my heart always start to beat in an irregular manner when apparently there’s nothing wrong going on? Why sometimes my breathing become shallow? If it is all in my head then why can’t my head listen to me for once and stop doing all these things to me? Because if it were up to me I would rather stay like other people who don’t have to think twice when doing little day to day things while I’m here overthinking everything, from climbing the bus to giving a presentation in the classroom. Because if it were in my head, I would probably be preparing for one of the biggest opportunity of my life rather here writing this post.

I apologize for this long post that you just had to read but I had to get it off of my chest. And thank you if you read it. Please comment down below if you have any advice or suggestions for me.

Until next time.

Sincerely,

A Wanderer’s Soul. ❤

 

“Things I have never talked about…”

Greetings to all. 🙂 Hope everyone is doing well.

I’ve been MIA for the last 2 months on this blog. I have also been inconsistent in posting on my Instagram’s writing account but still, I manage to post there sometimes. I don’t know how to justify not posting anything for past two months except for saying that I was quite busy with university. My 4th semester just ended and it had been quite an exhausting semester – mentally and physically – to say the least. I have never talked about my anxiety on my blog, and I kind of never knew if I would some day but for the past couple of weeks I have been trying to fight this anxiety but I have been failing miserably. The reason why I created this blog was to be myself without having people from my personal life judge me and without giving a care of what people around me think of me. What I am here is not what I’m in real life and I want to keep it this way. This blog is my sanctuary in a way. I know it sounds so weird but when everything in your real life seems “unreal” or “inescapable” you try to find solace in these things. I read as much as I can and I believe one of the best decisions I have made in my life is to read books. There isn’t a day that goes by without me reading anything and this actually calms me down. Letting myself be a part of a world (even though it’s not real) and becoming a part of a character’s life sometimes help me a lot in controlling my anxiety. I thought creating an Instagram account for my writing would also be very good for me (and I’m not complaining about it. I’m glad I made it) but as you start building another life on social media you again have to start acting in a way people expect you to behave. And then when people from your personal life start following you there too, well it just gets way harder in some way to cope with everything.

I’m writing this blog post not for people to read and then follow me instantly but for me so that I can actually get it off of my chest. I have written multiple posts like this now but every time I write one I end up deleting it, not having enough strength to upload it. But now I’m actually allowing myself to tell these things to strangers even though I have never told these things to anyone I know.

Hope I didn’t offend anyone with this post. Thank you for reading. 🙂

 

Sincerely,

A Wanderer’s Soul. ❤

 

“The Eerie Walls”

The monsters inside my closet

Scream and shout to get out

 

The monsters under my bed

Dig their nails to grasp now

 

They all try to creep and crawl

They all try to get heard

 

I shout and yelp and yearn

But all the things are blurred

 

The monsters whisper my name

They laugh in hush voice

 

People say it’s all in my head

But I could feel the chill in my spine

 

The monsters are all over the walls now

They watch me sleep at night

 

I don’t screech anymore nor do I shout

The monsters are all I have now

In this darkened room at night

In this wordless asylum

Surrounding me with charcoal

Choking me in light

The monsters are now my fiends

The monsters are now my assassins..

“Comfort Books…”

 

I’m not going to talk about how books are comforting for reading but rather it is comforting to know that when you have no one, you have still got your books. It is comforting to know that when you have nothing to say, you can still talk via books or about books.

When I sat down to write something for my blog I couldn’t come up with anything to write, actually I did come up with so many things to write. I wrote almost 3 drafts based on various topics but in the middle of writing them I ended up deleting all of them because I just didn’t feel like saying anything, didn’t feel like expressing anything. So I went through my files on a computer and all I could find comforting to talk about or relaxing for my own self-was books. You can talk about so many things if the topic is books without having to fear the feeling of being vulnerable or judged.

I have been quite busy lately with university and my personal life which is why I haven’t been able to write anything or post anything on my blog or Instagram. I did read three books in past week but every time I tried to write anything for either of my social medias, I just couldn’t find the words. Sometimes life gives you so many weird moments that you start to question the reality and in the midst of all this chaos all you can do is open a book and dive into it. That’s what I did. Though I had my exams and this time they were giving me the worst anxiety but I couldn’t bring myself to study or do anything. (SIDE NOTE: Sometimes when I write posts for this blog I get this weird feeling as if this is my personal journal and no one is going to read it so I pour out everything that I feel at the moment)

At this point, I have no idea how to conclude my post. I know everyone knows how important books are and how comforting they’re but no one knows what they are for the other person and maybe this is the reason why I wrote this post.

Feel free to share how you feel regarding books.

Sincerely,

A Bibliophile. ❤

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“Over Hyped Books”

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I have been so much mislead by the hype of some books that I no longer read books based on their hype. I will be making a list of why I find under hyped books are sometimes way better than over hyped books and honestly one of my favorite books are the ones that never got any recognition. Also the reason of some books not to meet the expectations is the hype they get before their release or during their release. If I talk about myself, I start expecting so much from those books that when I finally read them, I don’t find them as good as I previously thought they were going to be. Especially it happens with dystopian or Sci Fi books. In future, I will be making a list of over hyped and under hyped books but this post is going to be about over hyped books only. These are not necessarily my reviews for these books. I might post the reviews in future but right now these are only the reasons of not liking these books as much as I anticipated liking them. So without further ado, let’s get started.

  1. Red Queen By Victoria Aveyard

When this book first came out, almost everyone on booktube and goodreads was talking about it. I bought this book immediately and read it after 3-4 months because of my busy schedule. I was expecting so much and everyone was talking about the “plot twist” in this book. For me, the plot twist was quite predictable. Also the general idea or this book was quite generic because I feel like almost every Sci Fi, Fantasy or Dystopian book these days has almost the identical main lead and plot. So this was a let down for me.

2. The Crown By Keira Cass

I have already talked about this series in one of my previous posts. I really liked the first three books in Selection Series regardless of the characters but The Heir and The Crown I believe are unnecessary installments in this whole series. When these books first came out I read some of the goodreads reviews and judging from them the books seemed quite good but when I read them I was highly disappointed. For this, I don’t think the hype was a complete reason of why I couldn’t like the books but partly the characters were also the reason why I just couldn’t bear with them.

3. The 5th Wave By Rick Yancey

This book is really good. I actually enjoyed reading it and the plot was actually read good too. I read this book in 2015 when the news of its movie adaptation came out. Everyone was talking about this book and honestly I was pretty intrigued with it as well. But I don’t think the book was as good as everyone was saying. I really liked the idea of multiple POVs. I liked how it portrayed the siblings bond but to be honest I just couldn’t develop any feelings towards the characters. For a time being, I did think that I really liked the characters of Cassie, Evan and Ben but now that I think about it, the characters were pretty much like every other YA novel. There was nothing special or new about the characters. For me the characters were really basic (not that it is a bad thing but the characters were almost exactly like every other YA book) but the plot really had the potential. I still haven’t read the other books in this series but I’m definitely going to read them in future.

4. Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover

When I first found out about Colleen Hoover’s books I felt like she was going to be my most favorite author (I only read the blurbs of her books at that time). The thing with NA books is that the characters are always over the top. They’re too perfect, either in looks or personality. This makes it really hard for a reader to connect with them. You can have crush on these characters but you can never feel connection with them. I do believe that Colleen Hoover does bring potential story lines in her books and for some part the book made me emotional but at the end I don’t believe that this book is as great as I thought it was going to be. For a time being, I also fangirled over Miles Archer character but as you grow up you start to see that the book needs to have more than a pretty perfect boy in it. Same is the case with Hopeless which is why I’m not including this book in this post but yes I do think that Hopeless was also overhyped for me.

5. Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins

When this book came out, almost every other person was talking about it. At first I was reluctant of reading it because the title felt too cheesy (even for me) but then I gave in and read it. I’m going to be honest, when I read it I was a teenager and for me the ‘cutesy’ thing which was going on in this book was enough to like it but now that I think about it I realize that the book consists of bunch of dumb characters, with stupid life choices and it actually promotes cheating! This book really infuriates me not because of the plot (I mean also because of it) but because why I liked it at the first place. I actually prefer the second book in this trilogy, “Lola and the Boy next door” simply because the main character was more relate-able and less dumb than the previous book. I still haven’t read Isla and the Happily Every After and I have no plans of reading it in the future as well.

6. Me Before You by Jojo Moyes

I do think this book is overhyped. I really liked reading it but I just couldn’t develop the empathy I anticipated for it. The idea of this book is really good but the characters are ‘eh’ for me. Also the way this book ended really felt like a rush to me. I’m not saying that it should have had more pages or the writer should have dragged the story I just felt like I couldn’t accept the ending or I didn’t get the closure I wanted from this book. The second book in duology has also come out but I’m pretty sure that I will never read it.

7. Anne Henry by Dawn Ius

OH MY GOD! This book was the biggest let down of 2016 for me. I was so anticipating this book because I’m really interested in the history of Henry the 8th and Anne Boleyn and I kind of knew that this book would fail to meet the expectations because of the whole high school drama but still I couldn’t wait to get it and when I started reading it, at first I thought hey it’s just the starting it will get better but it kept getting worse and I had to DNF it after putting up with it for 60 pages.

So these were the books which were overhyped for me by booktube, goodreads or any other social media. Comment down below, which book you think is overhyped?

Also this post is not a mean to offend anyone.

 

“Struggles of being a Reviewer”

I don’t solely review books on this blog. But I do sometimes talk about different books and I will continue to talk about the elements of various books. Basically this post contains reasons why I find it difficult to review book(s).

  1. I cannot simply keep track of every single line while reading books and make notes of it. I feel like it would make it hard for me to enjoy the book at its fullest if I start making notes about things I liked or disliked about it.
  2. I believe if I start reviewing books then I would (a) either roast it to a point where people will literally start hating me or (b) praise it to the point where people will literally not read it.
  3. I have no idea how to write a review. Doesn’t mean I can’t talk about it, it is just I find it difficult to follow these ‘rules’ in writing reviews.
  4. I don’t know how to review a book simply without spoiling it. I get overly excited while talking about it that I kind of spill the things which I’m not supposed to.
  5. Whenever I sit to write a review of a book I instantly go blank and forget what I read in the book.
  6. I sometimes lose motivation to write one. For instance I finished reading Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi this morning and I sat down to write a review but I lost motivation even before I started writing it.
  7. I can’t keep track of the quotes in order to use them in my reviews.
  8. I don’t know how to make my reviews look attractive (I know there are some sort of techniques to make your review look good!)
  9. I don’t know when, where or which kind of gifs to use in the reviews.
  10. Lastly, I sometimes cannot seem to force myself to read the books writers want me to read in exchange of a review because even if the book had been in my TBR for so long however if someone tells me to read it then I wouldn’t be able to make up my mind to read it.

So these were the reasons why I find it difficult to review books. I have massive respect for the reviewers and I believe they should be given the credit and respect they deserve. I might try to write reviews including one of Shatter Me since it is my recent read and then I will decide if I want to continue writing it in future or not.

Comment down below if you review books or if you also think that it is difficult to review them.

Until next time.

Sincerely,

A Bibliophile. ❤